I originally set out to have this blog be "Pursuing a Relationship, Part II," and elucidate on all the ways I've learned how to better relate to God in the past year or so.
Truth is, I'm not really sure I know any better.
The idea that little Christa Kenyon could mentally wonder part-time for a year or two and discover the equation for relationship with God is so bogus. I still have so many questions. Why? Why do I feel like reading my Bible some days and not others? Why do consistent actions get me inconsistent results? Is it okay to just obey God even when I feel distant on the inside or do I need to fight for an intimacy feeling? Does prayer really work? How often do people see the results of it? Does our level of faith in God affect how our prayers are answered? Do I think God is more present during late-night worship because I'm tired? Is the reason I cry at 11pm worship and not 11am worship because I'm tired and not because God's presence is stronger?!? Why is it easy to obey God in some areas but not others? How does the Holy Spirit talk to me? How in the world do we hear the voice of God? What does that even mean? How do I decide what kind of ministry to do? Is it simply what I prefer or do I do what my mentor says? Do burning bushes happen any more? Why do I feel closer to God in physical settings like nature? How do I reshape my interests into God's interests? Fake it and hope the make it part comes along one day?
Then, the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't know a lot of things.
Where does my personality come from? Why do I like pink more than purple? How it is possible to have a God that is three separate beings, yet the same God? How come I'm attracted to certain people and not others? What the heck is love and am I doing it right? How does marriage work? How does baptism work? How do you raise children? How can I be capable of forgiving people that have wronged me? How do I pick what to do with my life?
Unfortunately (and this is what people have tried to tell me all along), it's not a science. I can't put these things in equation form and expect to hammer them down and write a book with all the answers. The truth is that my human, logical, idea-driven brain can't really wrap itself around these ideas.
What do I know? It takes time. It's a search. It's obedience above emotions. It's willingness to be humiliated for the sake of growth. It's smiling and shrugging my shoulders when I don't know the answer. It's extreme gratitude for life's sweet blessings, and tearful determination when something comes along that is not desirable. It's faith, and not really understanding, but knowing that here I have staked my life, and it is upon this rock that I will die.
2 comments:
Wow, you must have originally started this back in August because it's dated as August 30, 2009.
I wondered the same thing about feeling closer to God in nature. Maybe it's because that we're closer to his direct creation instead of man-made buildings; though even man-made places like the waterfall seem almost spiritual at times.
Thanks for sharing! :)
I was talking with my grandma one day about how it must be easier for her to trust in the Lord and do what He asks of her because she's had more experience and she told me that it may be easier to surrender but she still learns things everyday about the Lord and re-learns lessons just like I do. And she's almost 90! You'd think she'd have those lessons down by now.
I think that's part of the beauty of our relationship with the Lord. If we could answer all these questions on our own or were perfect enough to not be wishy-washy, why would we even need Him? Our humanity is a great comparison to His perfection. It still blows me away that He chose to send His only son to die for someone who feels like loving Him one day and the next day probably doesn't.
Like Blake said, thanks for sharing, dear Christa. I love your thoughts (and you).
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