I originally set out to have this blog be "Pursuing a Relationship, Part II," and elucidate on all the ways I've learned how to better relate to God in the past year or so.
Truth is, I'm not really sure I know any better.
The idea that little Christa Kenyon could mentally wonder part-time for a year or two and discover the equation for relationship with God is so bogus. I still have so many questions. Why? Why do I feel like reading my Bible some days and not others? Why do consistent actions get me inconsistent results? Is it okay to just obey God even when I feel distant on the inside or do I need to fight for an intimacy feeling? Does prayer really work? How often do people see the results of it? Does our level of faith in God affect how our prayers are answered? Do I think God is more present during late-night worship because I'm tired? Is the reason I cry at 11pm worship and not 11am worship because I'm tired and not because God's presence is stronger?!? Why is it easy to obey God in some areas but not others? How does the Holy Spirit talk to me? How in the world do we hear the voice of God? What does that even mean? How do I decide what kind of ministry to do? Is it simply what I prefer or do I do what my mentor says? Do burning bushes happen any more? Why do I feel closer to God in physical settings like nature? How do I reshape my interests into God's interests? Fake it and hope the make it part comes along one day?
Then, the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't know a lot of things.
Where does my personality come from? Why do I like pink more than purple? How it is possible to have a God that is three separate beings, yet the same God? How come I'm attracted to certain people and not others? What the heck is love and am I doing it right? How does marriage work? How does baptism work? How do you raise children? How can I be capable of forgiving people that have wronged me? How do I pick what to do with my life?
Unfortunately (and this is what people have tried to tell me all along), it's not a science. I can't put these things in equation form and expect to hammer them down and write a book with all the answers. The truth is that my human, logical, idea-driven brain can't really wrap itself around these ideas.
What do I know? It takes time. It's a search. It's obedience above emotions. It's willingness to be humiliated for the sake of growth. It's smiling and shrugging my shoulders when I don't know the answer. It's extreme gratitude for life's sweet blessings, and tearful determination when something comes along that is not desirable. It's faith, and not really understanding, but knowing that here I have staked my life, and it is upon this rock that I will die.
Sunday, August 30
Saturday, July 11
Broken
It’s so sweetly tragic and ironic how fast I can fall from cloud nine.
Skipping through life, laughing and joining in, feeling treasured and carefree. Then something happens, and the full-length mirror is held up to me, and I get to stop and see the gross parts of myself. It doesn’t matter that it’s gentle, it hurts, and my humanness wants to recoil.
I want to react. I want to excuse away why I do what I do. I want to defend myself. I want to point out the things I do that are good. I want to remind people that they fail too. I want to say that it’s none of your business what I do, and that it doesn’t matter because I’m so much better than most people.
Then it just stings, because I realize it’s true. It’s true that I mess up. It’s true that I break my word. It’s true that I hurt people’s feelings. It’s true that I give up on things. It’s true that I am selfish. Then I realize I can’t snap my fingers and make it go away. My worldly anger turns into righteous sorrow, and I am merely defeated, ashamed, ready to give up and go hide forever, away from light.
And then, in that moment, with the snot and mascara running down my face, feeling stripped and ugly of spirit, I feel a touch. Gentle, like soft rain and puppy fur, it touches my soul and I can breathe deeply in the sweet whispered assurance that God is with me. That touch does not dismiss my problems and failures, actually it doesn’t fix anything. But I am reminded, that if I am willing, I can have all of his strength to work on those problems. The grace of God renders me capable of greater kindness and fortitude. Without it I am merely a human, young and foolish. With it, I am still just a young and foolish girl, but I do know there is something stronger than myself to which I can cling, something that will shape me, in pain and in happiness, into a more holy young woman.
Even as I write these last lines, I feel my heart turning within me. I know what is right, and I will be damned if it is merely my pride and tears which carry me away from doing it.
Tuesday, May 12
In Gratitude
It is a blissful thing to be part of a group.
To know the ebb and flow that comes with personalities meshing and clashing, the strength and struggle in reaching a decision as a whole.
To have people join you in the heartache and hopefulness that is working through a job you're not sure how to do.
To laugh in amusement when you begin to realize each person has their own way to grow and work through problems, and it's not the way you would do it.
To sigh in disappointment and then smile with relief when you recognize someone else has stepped in where you have fallen short.
To be aggravated with those who are different, then grow to appreciate and love that they can do so many things better than you can.
To be challenged, broken, shown your faults, then built back up again in a more complete way.
To truly understand that together, in community, as individuals working in unison, as brothers and sisters, we represent the body of Christ.
To those of you who were part of that group that I spent my Tuesday nights with this year, thank you. I have been challenged, and gotten mad, and been taught, and enjoyed myself greatly.
To anyone else reading, know that being a part of something like this is a blessing you should not lightly choose to forgo.
To know the ebb and flow that comes with personalities meshing and clashing, the strength and struggle in reaching a decision as a whole.
To have people join you in the heartache and hopefulness that is working through a job you're not sure how to do.
To laugh in amusement when you begin to realize each person has their own way to grow and work through problems, and it's not the way you would do it.
To sigh in disappointment and then smile with relief when you recognize someone else has stepped in where you have fallen short.
To be aggravated with those who are different, then grow to appreciate and love that they can do so many things better than you can.
To be challenged, broken, shown your faults, then built back up again in a more complete way.
To truly understand that together, in community, as individuals working in unison, as brothers and sisters, we represent the body of Christ.
To those of you who were part of that group that I spent my Tuesday nights with this year, thank you. I have been challenged, and gotten mad, and been taught, and enjoyed myself greatly.
To anyone else reading, know that being a part of something like this is a blessing you should not lightly choose to forgo.
Tuesday, April 7
A Love Letter
Dear Sir,
Do you know that Paris is a morgue without you? Be not alarmed, I am well, and my days are replete with nature and art and thought, but it seems I have overestimated my capacity to enjoy such infinite beauty and history. Such things fill me to excess with joy and light and emotion, but no one is here to catch the overflow of my heart in its exuberance. I am choking here in myself, without you.
Instead, I once again match pen with paper and create for you a poor reflection of my heart’s secrets. I will bring my thoughts to life, give them form and structure, for your consideration. In your solitude you may draw upon the things I have told you and the words I write you.
This recent turn of events finds me reflecting upon your character. In the midst of my musings and reminiscence, I pull my gaze from my window to smile quietly at myself, at the blush that comes with your memory. Who you are exists in the posture you exhibit to the world, to specific people therein, a posture of righteousness and sacrifice. You involve yourself with our world, you interact with science and nature and mystery and humanity, hesitating only to consider the consequences of your intended actions. You are stability and discipline. You are wisdom and cunning. As the ways in which I see into your soul grow, I recognize that which is truly valuable within you. You are marked by the merits of honor, trust, and the dedication to finding the best course of action in every situation.
I ponder this thing into which you have induced me. I am sure I know not the complexities and breadth of this assurance I give you. Yet this perfect morning finds me grasping with all my being the hope that we will reach the end of our days with fortitude and compassion, successful in the goals we create for ourselves. Together, our two hearts can give more to the world than they ever could alone. When you weaken, I will stand for you. When I am overcome, you will take my hand and lead. When you grow discouraged, I will show you how to continue. When I am unsure about my purpose, you will tell me again who I am. Together, we have more strengths to offer the world, more grace, more counsel, more wisdom in addressing the shortfalls of society, more inspiration in bringing about benevolence between mankind.
And this represents your opinion as well. It brings me delight and anticipation to realize you want me to join you, to be with you, to occupy with you the unfamiliar depths of the soul. May I express to you how much easier this makes staying strong? I thank you for wanting me, for wanting to elicit the ways in which I can bless you.
Yet I will not lie. You have caused me pain. You sought out the parts within me that were not perfect and lovely, and you invited change. With your guidance I have become much more than I ever was. I have faced my childish ways, and widened my heart to encompass acts of compassion and mercy, a character of nobility and fortitude. This has been my path as directed by you. I hope it brings a smile to your lips when I remind you that this was not easy. In your arms I fear nothing except the selfishness within me, which I know you will cause me to leave behind as years pass.
Everything within you calls forth all that is within me, and I ache with desire to conquer life with you, by your side, as your lover, confidante, and most faithful champion.
As I gaze down on the ring that now binds me to you, I realize you have loved me, in your words, in your actions, in the way you desire my betterment. I am overcome, and my spirit is resolute within me to love you. May you never doubt this promise.
You have all my respect for all my eternity.
Do you know that Paris is a morgue without you? Be not alarmed, I am well, and my days are replete with nature and art and thought, but it seems I have overestimated my capacity to enjoy such infinite beauty and history. Such things fill me to excess with joy and light and emotion, but no one is here to catch the overflow of my heart in its exuberance. I am choking here in myself, without you.
Instead, I once again match pen with paper and create for you a poor reflection of my heart’s secrets. I will bring my thoughts to life, give them form and structure, for your consideration. In your solitude you may draw upon the things I have told you and the words I write you.
This recent turn of events finds me reflecting upon your character. In the midst of my musings and reminiscence, I pull my gaze from my window to smile quietly at myself, at the blush that comes with your memory. Who you are exists in the posture you exhibit to the world, to specific people therein, a posture of righteousness and sacrifice. You involve yourself with our world, you interact with science and nature and mystery and humanity, hesitating only to consider the consequences of your intended actions. You are stability and discipline. You are wisdom and cunning. As the ways in which I see into your soul grow, I recognize that which is truly valuable within you. You are marked by the merits of honor, trust, and the dedication to finding the best course of action in every situation.
I ponder this thing into which you have induced me. I am sure I know not the complexities and breadth of this assurance I give you. Yet this perfect morning finds me grasping with all my being the hope that we will reach the end of our days with fortitude and compassion, successful in the goals we create for ourselves. Together, our two hearts can give more to the world than they ever could alone. When you weaken, I will stand for you. When I am overcome, you will take my hand and lead. When you grow discouraged, I will show you how to continue. When I am unsure about my purpose, you will tell me again who I am. Together, we have more strengths to offer the world, more grace, more counsel, more wisdom in addressing the shortfalls of society, more inspiration in bringing about benevolence between mankind.
And this represents your opinion as well. It brings me delight and anticipation to realize you want me to join you, to be with you, to occupy with you the unfamiliar depths of the soul. May I express to you how much easier this makes staying strong? I thank you for wanting me, for wanting to elicit the ways in which I can bless you.
Yet I will not lie. You have caused me pain. You sought out the parts within me that were not perfect and lovely, and you invited change. With your guidance I have become much more than I ever was. I have faced my childish ways, and widened my heart to encompass acts of compassion and mercy, a character of nobility and fortitude. This has been my path as directed by you. I hope it brings a smile to your lips when I remind you that this was not easy. In your arms I fear nothing except the selfishness within me, which I know you will cause me to leave behind as years pass.
Everything within you calls forth all that is within me, and I ache with desire to conquer life with you, by your side, as your lover, confidante, and most faithful champion.
As I gaze down on the ring that now binds me to you, I realize you have loved me, in your words, in your actions, in the way you desire my betterment. I am overcome, and my spirit is resolute within me to love you. May you never doubt this promise.
You have all my respect for all my eternity.
Thursday, February 26
The Ebb and Flow of the Greatest Mystery
Oh to that thing which so many have fought for, died for, cried for, changed plans for, compromised for, sung about, written about, received great purpose from, and sought with all their being.
That thing that enables a woman to get up every day for eighteen years and live in service of a child, cleaning, holding, structuring her life around his.
The thing with which two people will bind themselves together for eternity, leaving behind differences, seeking something greater than themselves.
That thing that has inspired countless songs, endless literature and instruction and explanation and description, and occupies the minds and hearts of so many who are searching.
The thing that keeps the friend at the hospital bedside and in the examination room, not fleeing the discomfort and decay, but holding on to hope and unspoken promises.
The thing that made the man continue through town and out of the city, carrying on his back his means of execution.
Does it come from God? Is it something that we pray for and expect to receive in a certain measure? Is it something we grow within ourselves for others? Is it something we are taught through example? Is it something that must be practiced or is it just the natural reaction of the heart? Is it something we will ourselves to possess for all time or will it change with our life circumstances? It is something our appearances and emotions affect? Is there a limited amount of it floating around in the atmosphere for us to grab onto? Or do we simply not know how to embody it enough? Is this something you must ponder and search for or is the uneducated soul perfectly equipped for its expression?
The Bible illustrates it in detail. Ten thousand books in the self-help section describe it. Wikipedia defines it. Dictionary.com gives it 28 definitions. Valentine’s Day labels it one thing, serving at a homeless shelter will show you it’s another. Surging hormones make you think it’s one thing, daily sacrifice will show you it’s another. A life of ease makes it easy to do, but trial and suffering will make you prove you really have it.
They say chocolate induces it. And flowers and poetry. And carbon atoms which have been compressed for years and years.
But wait, I’ve heard this story before. Actually, I’ve heard it a couple of times. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl flirt and get along. They go with the flow, and subscribe to couplehood, and go through all the motions together. They talk about how they met, how much they like each other, how they’re alike, how their future would go. They engage in the activities, cuddling, movie-watching, hand-holding, the kissing, thinking and daydreaming about one another.
But the chocolate didn’t work. The equation didn’t stick, and whatever period of time down the road they find themselves upset, recognizing the faults of their partner, sad for the loss of the previous intensity, ultimately realizing that which is reality and how they are actually tasting it for the first time.
It’s too complicated to continue, so they struggle and call it quits. They seek solace in the arms of their friends, their gods, and their vices. They work themselves back to completeness, pining terribly for the lost rush of emotions, determined that next time, they will do the same thing, only better.
This doesn’t have staying power. It’s not even a very stable foundation upon which to build anything concrete. It’s not what Jesus did. Surely this is not the love that everyone is looking for.
Surely this is not the love that everyone is looking for.
That thing that enables a woman to get up every day for eighteen years and live in service of a child, cleaning, holding, structuring her life around his.
The thing with which two people will bind themselves together for eternity, leaving behind differences, seeking something greater than themselves.
That thing that has inspired countless songs, endless literature and instruction and explanation and description, and occupies the minds and hearts of so many who are searching.
The thing that keeps the friend at the hospital bedside and in the examination room, not fleeing the discomfort and decay, but holding on to hope and unspoken promises.
The thing that made the man continue through town and out of the city, carrying on his back his means of execution.
Does it come from God? Is it something that we pray for and expect to receive in a certain measure? Is it something we grow within ourselves for others? Is it something we are taught through example? Is it something that must be practiced or is it just the natural reaction of the heart? Is it something we will ourselves to possess for all time or will it change with our life circumstances? It is something our appearances and emotions affect? Is there a limited amount of it floating around in the atmosphere for us to grab onto? Or do we simply not know how to embody it enough? Is this something you must ponder and search for or is the uneducated soul perfectly equipped for its expression?
The Bible illustrates it in detail. Ten thousand books in the self-help section describe it. Wikipedia defines it. Dictionary.com gives it 28 definitions. Valentine’s Day labels it one thing, serving at a homeless shelter will show you it’s another. Surging hormones make you think it’s one thing, daily sacrifice will show you it’s another. A life of ease makes it easy to do, but trial and suffering will make you prove you really have it.
They say chocolate induces it. And flowers and poetry. And carbon atoms which have been compressed for years and years.
But wait, I’ve heard this story before. Actually, I’ve heard it a couple of times. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl flirt and get along. They go with the flow, and subscribe to couplehood, and go through all the motions together. They talk about how they met, how much they like each other, how they’re alike, how their future would go. They engage in the activities, cuddling, movie-watching, hand-holding, the kissing, thinking and daydreaming about one another.
But the chocolate didn’t work. The equation didn’t stick, and whatever period of time down the road they find themselves upset, recognizing the faults of their partner, sad for the loss of the previous intensity, ultimately realizing that which is reality and how they are actually tasting it for the first time.
It’s too complicated to continue, so they struggle and call it quits. They seek solace in the arms of their friends, their gods, and their vices. They work themselves back to completeness, pining terribly for the lost rush of emotions, determined that next time, they will do the same thing, only better.
This doesn’t have staying power. It’s not even a very stable foundation upon which to build anything concrete. It’s not what Jesus did. Surely this is not the love that everyone is looking for.
Surely this is not the love that everyone is looking for.
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